Broken, Confused, but Holding On

wilting magnolia blossom in white vase

I recently came across a small notebook I’d written in nearly ten years ago, and inside found words of struggle and of hope. If you live with chronic illness or any kind of suffering, I’m putting this here today so you can know you’re not alone, but also to give each of us the chance to choose to look up. In the Psalms, David openly spoke of his feelings and struggles. He laid open his pain and even his hard questions to God, but he always ended not with his feelings, but with what he knew to be true. He ended looking up to God in trust, even with the unanswered questions.

So today I post these words for you, and then encourage you to write your own. Write out how you feel, all of it, the worst of it. Then write what you know to be true. Leave the pain at God’s feet, then look up at His face, and choose hope.

Grace and peace to you all.

**********************

7-16-2008

Lord, I’m tired. I’m so tired of waiting and accepting and waiting and people not understanding what it’s really like, and waiting and being so limited. I feel like I’m pushing myself so much but still I can’t do half the things I feel I should do. What of the relationships we’re supposed to build? What of ministries people ask me to be committed to? I can’t commit to anything but feel so pressured.

It’s like people know I get sick sometimes but don’t understand that I am sick, all the time, every day, and my choices about today will affect tomorrow. 

God, I’m weary of not knowing. I’ve been fighting this battle for twelve years now. You’ve sustained me and kept me and I know in my soul this is just another season of more-difficult-than-usual. I just feel so worn out in every way. I’d love to just camp out in bed and say, “I’m done for a while, find somebody else,” but I can’t. Not with a three-year-old and a husband and needing to fix food for myself every three hours.

wilting magnolia blossom in white vase

I’d like to ramble on and on about how difficult things are and how I wish people would understand, but I know it wouldn’t help. The real problem is me. You’ve given me everything I need for life and godliness today, so if I’m overdone and stressed, it’s because I’m not living today as You intended. Or even more so, I’m not thinking according to the Spirit but the flesh.

This mold issue is frustrating. Our air-conditioner aggravates my asthma, but it’s so hot without it. I can’t get an MRI till the baby is born. Waiting and adjusting. Waiting and adjusting. You know that combination really irks me – I suppose that’s why it’s time for another lesson in it.

I need You, Lord. I need Your joy. Your endurance. Your hope.

Please fill me with You. I’m tired of myself.

Feelings are just feelings, not truth. Help me to remember that and choose Your perspective over mine.

Thanks, Lord. It’s so wonderful to know that You never have days like this.

**********************

So where are you? Tired? Confused? Broken? Frustrated? Wandering through this wilderness of illness with no respite in sight? Again, I encourage you to write it out. Tell God. All of it. Then tell yourself the truth. God is good. He loves you. He has a plan. There is purpose in what you suffer.

Look up with hope, friend. Look up.

magnolia_bloom_edited

May the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always, by all means.

The Lord be with you all.  2 Thess. 3:16

Sign Up to get Kimberly’s Blog E-mailed Directly to You Each Week



Share This Post!

Share SHARE
Translate »